Bub’s Beer Count: 419
Hambleton Nightmare Yorkshire Porter
ABV 5%

First an apology:

I’m sober as I write this review. It may not be as comical as the ones in the past but I will try my best.

Sometimes a beer isn’t very good.  It’s not that this beer is bad, per se, but it’s not very good either.  Would I drink it again? If someone bought me one at a bar, I would definitely drink it, but I would not shell out the money for it, even though it was only six dollars for the 1 pint, 9 fluid oz. bottle.

The reason that I gravitated (See what I did there? Beer nerd pun) toward this beer, in particular, was the name. I was trying to pick out some beers with horror themes, and this fit the bill. I mean, I am doing this for a horror podcast’s website.  On to the beer!

The appearance was very dark, which was to be expected. After all, it is a porter.  The head was there and gone in a flash and was very small, much like the head of your penis.

The jokes just aren’t as funny when you don’t have a few in you…

“This Nightmare porter turned out to be a true nightmare.”

The aroma was nice; it had the obvious coffee and chocolate smells in addition to something I couldn’t quite place. I think it was alcohol. I checked the label and it was only 5%—small by beer standards—so I thought that maybe it was a fluke.

As I began to drink the beer, I realized the alcohol was not a fluke. Oddly enough, the alcohol seemed to stand out more than anything. It was like someone brewed some strong coffee, added cocoa powder and poured rubbing alcohol into the mix. I would expect this in some imperial stouts but not a 5% porter. Leave it to the British to fuck things up.*  The beer was bland, and I think because of this blandness, the alcohol stood out more.  If presented with this beer, go have a Guinness instead; at least the Irish know what they’re doing.  Yes, I resisted on using the line “this Nightmare porter turned out to be a true nightmare.” You’re welcome.

*There are good British beers out there.

Bub’s Rating*

Taste: 24oz of horror
Aroma: 31oz of horror
Appearance: 30oz of horror
Palate: 28oz of horror
Overall: 27oz of horror

*Ratings out of 40oz of Horror

Bub’s beer count #401
Mikkeller Beer Geek Brunch Weasel: Cognac
ABV: 10.9%

I swear it’s not a fetish

I was reluctant to buy this beer when I first laid eyes on it at the store, but not because I heard that it was made with Kopi Luwak coffee, which is coffee that has been picked out of the poop of the Asian Palm Civet then washed (thank God), roasted and packaged. I welcomed the poop factor; in fact, I was a little excited about it — I swear it’s not a fetish. I was reluctant to buy the beer because it was $14 for a 9 oz. bottle. The reason this beer is so pricey is because the coffee from which this brew is made runs about $50 a cup. I’m no miser, but that is a little rich for my tastes. So after much deliberation, I decided to take the plunge. I even made a list of the reasons to make myself feel better about my purchase, and lucky for you, they’re included in this blog.

Reasons to buy poop beer:

#1: It’s made from poop! How often is beer made from poop?

#2: It’s aged in cognac barrels. Cognac happens to be one of my favorite liquors. I’m secretly a rapper by night.

#3: It’s made by Mikkeller, which is what they refer to in the biz as a “ghost brewery.” This basically means that Mikkeller has no brewery, but he travels and brews beer at other breweries, so chances are this beer might not be on the shelves for long.

#4: It’s made from poop.

#5: I have yet to sample a Mikkeller beer that was below a rating of 35oz of Horror — a damn good brewer.

“It was like pouring the smoke monster from Lost into a glass.”

Now that I’ve listed the justifications of why I purchased this beer, we can move on to the beer itself. When I poured the beer, I was a little taken aback by how dark it was. It was like pouring the smoke monster from Lost into a glass. I expected the pour to make noises like one of them-there typewriting machines, heeyuck. However, that never happened. There was little to no head once the beer was poured, so maybe a few points off in that department. Mikkeller should take some pointers from your mom for future beers when it comes to the head. The beer itself is a stout, which is typically dark and heavy, and this beer did not disappoint in that department. Weasel’s consistency looked thick and heavy, but in the mouth, it was lighter than expected, much like my wiener in your mom’s mouth. (OK, last mom joke.)

This light taste is not necessarily a bad thing, since most people don’t like drinking mud. The alcohol content wasn’t overwhelming, which can happen with a higher ABV. It was easy to see why this is the most expensive coffee in the world. The beer was very smooth and not bitter. The bitterness of the coffee is supposedly stripped through the digestive tract of the weasel-like animal. I tried this once as a cheaper alternative but found that humans do not possess the same bitterness-extracting quality. Other than the obvious tastes of coffee and chocolate, the flavor of cognac was evident as well. It wasn’t as prevalent as the coffee and chocolate, but it was a nice goodbye as the beer made its way down my esophagus. No homo.

It’s made from poop!

Bub’s Rating*

Taste: 36oz of horror
Aroma: 38oz of horror
Appearance: 37oz of horror
Palate: 35oz of horror
Overall: 37oz of horror

*Ratings out of 40oz of Horror

Bub’s Beer Count: #383 of 5,000
Set to a soundtrack of Warren G
ABV (how much alcohol): 6.5%
IBU (how bitter the beer is): 30 (not very bitter)

The first thing you notice when you pick up a bottle of Rogue Voodoo Doughnut Ale is the girly pink bottle. It is very pink. So pink, in fact, that you might be embarrassed to carry it around the store. Luckily, I just happen to be very comfortable with my sexuality, so I had no problem carrying it around. The fact that I had my wife rubbing on my chest the whole time probably helped a little bit too. (Play on playa.) I was singing, “It was a clear black night, a clear white moon/Bub P was on the streets, trying to consume.” She got over all of this once we got home and popped open a bottle of the Voodoo.

I slowly poured the beer, and as the foam relaxed, I lowered my nose into the glass to steal this beer’s essence. (I think the pink bottle got to me a little too much.) The ale smelled of a breakfast that is wafting its scent about your apartment and makes its way out of the cracks to rub itself into your fucking nosy neighbors’ faces that you’re eating maple-flavored bacon with decadent pancakes smothered in pure maple syrup (grade B amber — we’re not rich, fuckers). Seriously though, this beer smells almost as good as it tastes.

It giggles about the back of your tastebuds

The beer tastes like a beer. Which is very good. I was a little worried that the maple and bacon would shine through a little too much, which I’ve experienced with other maple-flavored beers. You can definitely taste the maple more than anything else, but it’s not real sweet, and there’s still some bitterness to the beer itself. On the other hand, the bacon/smokiness shows up in the aftertaste. It giggles about the back of your tastebuds, while the maple rapes your frontals. Like I said, the pink bottle got to me.

Drunk. Sunburnt. Bub.

Bub’s Rating*

TASTE: 32oz of Horror
AROMA: 36oz of Horror
APPEARANCE:  35oz of Horror
PALATE: 22oz of Horror
OVERALL: 31oz of Horror
*Ratings out of 40oz of Horror

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Set to a soundtrack of Soundgarden

It’s a Thursday at 8 p.m., and I’m preparing for a fucking game of Magic. It’s obvious I’m a pretty busy person, but I decided to take some time out of my hectic schedule to do some beer reviews for my friends over at 40oz of Horror — even though they’re not  buying my beer.

A few things to get out of the way:

I’m not an expert of beer (nor do I proclaim to be one), but I do have some credentials, so don’t feel slighted by reading these reviews. What makes me vetted to do this? I work at Home Depot. Sure, I know what you’re thinking — but really think about that for second… I FUCKING WORK AT HOME DEPOT.  My job is shit. I drink — and when I drink, I tend to drink beer. There’s my PhD in BE EE EE AR, bitches.

Rampage Imperial IPA: ABV: 9.5%

Black Diamond Brewing Company in Concord, Calif., calls the first beer I decided to review “Rampage.” Now, the first thing I thought of when I read the label and saw that it was from douchey California was that it was that it was from this town called Concord. I don’t know about you, but Concord brings to my mind grapes — and not the kind of grapes that you make good wine with, but some sort of shitty Manischewitz kind of wine that tastes like grape-jelly-infused juice. If I have to choose between douchey and shitty, I know which one I’m choosing, but I’ll leave you, the audience, hanging. Now, back to the beer.

Rampage is an Imperial IPA that is 9.0% alcohol and has an obvious picture of an angry elephant rampaging through some hops on the label. How did this beer company possibly afford the geniuses who came up with that idea? We may never know. I’ll be honest; I don’t remember how much I spent on this bomber of beer, but it wasn’t that much.

The elephant-trampling-through-the-hops beer is actually really good. Now, keep in mind — that’s if you like IPAs. I like them, but I’m not pretentious, and sweet zombie Jesus knows the last thing we need in the world is more pretension.  This beer is hopppppy. It does have a very nice (non-pretentious) floral scent and tastes of clove, citrus and rust (kidding about the rust).

The thing that is most baller about his beer is its ABV. It’s 9%! That’s equal to two Bud Lights! You’re going to be feeling good after this beer, and if you drink too many, you might have the urge to call off work tomorrow then hop in your purple 1995 Toyota Tacoma that was outfitted with a flux capacitor (you didn’t know that was an upgrade option?), program the year to 1947 and have sweet, sweet love with your PeePaw. I heard he swings that way.

My job is shit. I drink — and when I drink, I tend to drink beer.