These days, we’re always hearing about how to survive the impending zombie apocalypse. It seems that everyone has an opinion on what you should do, but what about the things you should not do? I’ve got the answers. Here are the Top 5 zombie apocalypse don’ts.
5. Crossbows.
You are not Daryl Dixon — just knock it off.
4. Never add a new member to the group if their name is a major city.
Tallahassee, Chicago, Memphis, Austin etc. — contrary to what Zombieland said, that’s Woody Harrelson. If you see Woody Harrelson, DO NOT pick him up. At least tell him you enjoyed White Men Can’t Jump, and respectfully decline. Use the excuse “We got too many people already” or “I ate the last Twinkie!” I’m sure he’ll move on.
3. If you have a kid in the group, he will not grow up to be a badass like Carl Grimes.
He will probably wander off and die in the woods or end up getting most of the group killed. He’ll more than likely end up looking like that special guy from Something About Mary — grown up, neglected, with PTSD, not being able to speak right, still wearing his kid’s Elmo shirt that has now become a midriff-bearing belly shirt. Watch out though. Trying to take his shirt off will only enrage him, allowing him to show you first hand why they call it “retarded strong,” or he’ll end up in a masturbatory rage. Regardless, he’s your damn kid. You deal with him.
2. Don’t knock Spam.
It has its own key. You should be buying that now!
1. The number one thing to NOT do in a zombie apocalypse…
We here at 40oz. Of Horror enjoy adult beverages, and we say this with the utmost importance… the Winchester does not exist. So do not seek it out to wait out the apocalypse. Bottom line is: Big Al doesn’t exist, and dogs can’t look up.
What are some other things you should never do in the zombie apocalypse?
Hear more about my Top 5 Zombie Apocalypse Don’ts on Episode 39 of the 40oz. Of Horror Podcast
