Set to a soundtrack of Soundgarden
It’s a Thursday at 8 p.m., and I’m preparing for a fucking game of Magic. It’s obvious I’m a pretty busy person, but I decided to take some time out of my hectic schedule to do some beer reviews for my friends over at 40oz of Horror — even though they’re not buying my beer.
A few things to get out of the way:
I’m not an expert of beer (nor do I proclaim to be one), but I do have some credentials, so don’t feel slighted by reading these reviews. What makes me vetted to do this? I work at Home Depot. Sure, I know what you’re thinking — but really think about that for second… I FUCKING WORK AT HOME DEPOT. My job is shit. I drink — and when I drink, I tend to drink beer. There’s my PhD in BE EE EE AR, bitches.
Black Diamond Brewing Company in Concord, Calif., calls the first beer I decided to review “Rampage.” Now, the first thing I thought of when I read the label and saw that it was from douchey California was that it was that it was from this town called Concord. I don’t know about you, but Concord brings to my mind grapes — and not the kind of grapes that you make good wine with, but some sort of shitty Manischewitz kind of wine that tastes like grape-jelly-infused juice. If I have to choose between douchey and shitty, I know which one I’m choosing, but I’ll leave you, the audience, hanging. Now, back to the beer.
Rampage is an Imperial IPA that is 9.0% alcohol and has an obvious picture of an angry elephant rampaging through some hops on the label. How did this beer company possibly afford the geniuses who came up with that idea? We may never know. I’ll be honest; I don’t remember how much I spent on this bomber of beer, but it wasn’t that much.
The elephant-trampling-through-the-hops beer is actually really good. Now, keep in mind — that’s if you like IPAs. I like them, but I’m not pretentious, and sweet zombie Jesus knows the last thing we need in the world is more pretension. This beer is hopppppy. It does have a very nice (non-pretentious) floral scent and tastes of clove, citrus and rust (kidding about the rust).
The thing that is most baller about his beer is its ABV. It’s 9%! That’s equal to two Bud Lights! You’re going to be feeling good after this beer, and if you drink too many, you might have the urge to call off work tomorrow then hop in your purple 1995 Toyota Tacoma that was outfitted with a flux capacitor (you didn’t know that was an upgrade option?), program the year to 1947 and have sweet, sweet love with your PeePaw. I heard he swings that way.